Cycling truths

We cyclists lie to ourselves. A lot. Like most of the human race we rely on perception rather than reality. We are our own marketing managers and spin doctors, massaging reality to tell ourselves that all is well in the world. We are not mental. Well, just a little.
Little mind tricks are what keep us pedalling on cold wet rides or slogging through an interval or headwind. They make us better riders or enable us to hold our heads a little higher when we realise that yes actually, we do look a little ridiculous wearing Lycra and hobbling and slipping on our cleats in supermarket aisles whilst searching for cheap energy!

Cycling truths and lies

This vicious headwind will make me stronger
I hate cycling and I’m never riding again
I love cycling in the rain
I’ve never felt less human
Intervals are enjoyable
Eugh, what is the point?
I will fix this bottom bracket
What time does the local bike shop open?
Today will be a gentle recovery ride
I’m knackered
This will be a gentle spin
Until somebody overtakes me
I’ll eat the perfect carbohydrate and protein blend when I get in
Food, give me food, anything!
These new bib shorts are amazing
My ass hurts a little less and the pain is enough to distract me from their extortionate cost
I don’t care about Strava leaderboards
I was slow today, must do better
These new Lycra clothes make feel so comfortable
Why do people at work look at me so funny?
I’m feeling good today
Let’s pretend that tailwind isn’t there
I’m excited about my first Cat 4 race
I wonder which lap somebody will bring me down?

I don’t need a new bike
But I want one
I’m a grinder, a real masher
My cadence is poor
I hate turbo training
Really, I do
Zwift is rubbish
I’ve not tried it yet
My commuter bike lights are 10,000 lumens
No more SMIDSY
Sportives are shit
I’m way too cool for all that nonsense
My bike weighs less than 7kg
I can continue feeding my real ale habit
Today is a rest day
It’s raining
These new wheels make me feel so much quicker
My average speed less so
I’m aiming to complete LEJOG in 3 days
I’m a little mad
I love cycling up hills
There’s no other way home

My Garmin reads 49.9 miles and I’m home
Better get back out and cycle 0.1 miles around the block
I’ll clean my bike today
Maybe next week, it’ll only rain anyway
Buying a new chain will prolong the life of my chainset
Degreasing my chain is a right palaver
My new saddle is 60g lighter
The extra padding in my chamois weighs 70g
I shave my legs to feel more pro
I’ve no idea why the pros do this
Sausage and bacon McMuffin is protein for recovery
Oh my god this is amazing I don’t care how slow I ride
I was taking it easy at the back of the group
I got dropped
Yeah I’ve a big stretching routine post-ride
The cake is on the top shelf of the food cupboard
That stage of the Tour de France was amazing
I saw the crash gif on Twitter
I’ve learnt to take it easy and enjoy cycling
I’m old and getting slower
I’m more of a sprinter
Wait for me at the top of this hill
I love riding in the rain
I’m time poor and don’t get to choose when I ride
Steel is real
I’m a slave to aesthetics
That was the perfect ride
I managed to stop for a pee without getting caught

I’m not quite race weight yet
I enjoy food
My new bike has electronic gears
My kids won’t miss Christmas this year
I don’t need Lycra
I’m not riding very far and have yet to experience chafing
Outside is free
Don’t tell anyone how much my bike cost and shhh, stop pointing at the Rapha labels
Anyone up for chat laps?
We can talk about my lack of training
My kit must be matching
It’s the only way I’ll look good on a bike
Power meters? Pah, I ride on feel
I usually feel bad
I’ve just upgraded to Dura-ace
My wallet is much lighter
Protein is essential after a big ride
I’ll stop at the kebab shop on my way home
Yeah, my new jersey is Italian race fit
We all know I should have ordered the next size up
That ride was epic
I got a little wet
I’ve not been training much
I will crush you